Guest editorial - Toronto Digital Queeries
September - October 2004
Eddy Elmer
"I'm looking for a man who is secure in who he is, who is genuine, and who knows what he wants.""I'm want someone who is secure with who they are and who is stable mentally and emotionally. I like guys that know what they want, and have no problems expressing themselves."
"You must be yourself... know who you are."
"I'm looking for someone who's got himself together, knows what he wants, and is grounded and down-to-earth."
"All I'm looking for is YOU and who you naturally are. You must be genuine."
The above excerpts were culled from select ads appearing on the popular online dating service, Gaydar (www.gaydar.co.uk). What's interesting about them isn't so much that they are extremely similar to one another, but, rather, that they appeared with such frequency and consistency after I initiated a completely random search of profiles. It seems to me that it's fast becoming fashionable among gay men seeking mates to insist that their potential partners be "genuine" and "true to themselves"—a supposed expression of the ad writers' virtuousness, discernment, and value in the competitive dating pool.
"Fashionable", I say, because there's about as much genuine appreciation of these humanistic, philosophical ideals as there is sincerity in the ads.
We needn't confine our focus to the online world to see this insidious pattern emerging (although the pattern becomes quite pronounced online because the preferences that men normally imply are now expressed in their most direct and explicit fashion—in writing). Go talk to any random handful of men in a gay bar, club, or other pick-up joint to hear them lament that so many gay men today are false, duplicitous, or otherwise wearing a mask, putting on a show, and pretending to be something they're not. Personally, I can't count the number of conversations I've had that inevitably led to a depressing and self-congratulatory diatribe on the lack of genuine gay men in—of all places—meet markets. I'm sure it's not lost on anyone who hasn't yet been brainwashed by other duplicitous men that this self-righteous preference for genuineness is but another fraud in the everyday drama of gay dating life.
I think the most powerful evidence supporting this notion is the not astonishing frequency by which gay men reject those who really are themselves. It seems that the trick in landing a man is, indeed, to be genuine and true to yourself—so long as who you are meets his strict criteria for genuineness. And what are those criteria? You'd think they would include the courage to be oneself and to eschew masks, facades, and affected performances in favour of just living in one's own skin. But it's not. Considering how hard it is to be genuine in Western culture—and especially in what I see as an increasingly judgmental gay community—one would think that this would be a hallmark sign of a strong, stable, grounded person—precisely the kind of person that gay men regularly complain are in short supply.
But no.
The standard is that one act in such a way that is stereotypically associated with individuality, genuineness, groundedness, and stability. So if one wants to initiate any kind of a "relationship", best to always act cool, calm, and collected, somewhat distant and flippant, and, for good measure, indiscriminately and unempathically disparaging or dismissing of those who are even remotely different from oneself—including those who are arbitrarily labelled insincere for the simple reason that they do not exhibit the refined, sophisticated self presentation skills that supposedly go hand-in-hand with being "confident in who one is".
But how often are these really the signs of someone who is true to himself? Considering how our culture ruthlessly marginalises those who buck the trend and do things their own way, it's only to be expected that people who dare to be real will often behave in a reserved, bashful, or somewhat awkward fashion. In fact, some will behave in downright strange ways. If anything, it would seem that the person who goes out of his way to act confident in himself—and who similarly demands that others act in such a way—is anything but.
So where has all this
confident posturing come from? A few ideas come to mind.
I wonder if the degree to
which many gay men are rejecting of one another doesn't create a
certain sense of guilt that can be perfectly assuaged by deluding
themselves into thinking that they are embracing of individual
differences and those who refuse to follow the masses. How can I
possibly fit the stereotype of the ultra-fickle, shallow gay male when
I insist that everyone I meet be genuine and well-grounded?
Well, let me count the ways.
I wonder if a certain
degree of self-loathing isn't also playing a role. Disappointed or
disgusted with my own short-sighted assessment of others, I can project
these uncomfortable or unacceptable feelings on to others. If I paint
myself as a champion and supporter of individualism and genuineness,
then I can come to believe that I have license to denigrate those who
aren't similarly accepting—or those who themselves are too afraid to be
genuine. But alas, others are but a mirror in which we see what we
don't want to see on our own.
Could there not also be a
certain sense of "self-handicapping" involved? If I insist on
genuineness and transparency in a person—especially in environments in
which I very clearly know that it rarely exists—then I have a
ready-made excuse for being perpetually single. Instead of looking at
my own shortcomings—my own disgust/fear/denial of those who dare to be
genuine in precisely the way I cannot bring myself to be—I can
simply blame the "shallowness" of the gay community for my self-imposed
state of singledom. Unfortunately, I don't seem to realise that it's
not the group that is shallow; it's me—and the personal
insecurities and assorted issues that give rise to it.
I'm sure others can
illuminate a hundred other reasons for the trend towards insisting on
lofty ideals like self definition and actualisation. But we don't need
to beat a dead horse because we all know—deep down—what our own
motivations are. Maybe in those few moments during which we look these
motivations full on—when we realise how much courage it takes to be in
integrity with ourselves—can we come to realise the true quality and
value of the person who is like this everyday.
Maybe then the desire for
genuineness will be more than just lip service.
www.eddyelmer.com
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