Exploring the Dyke [or Queeriosity]
Toronto Digital Queeries January 1, 2005
B as in Bi has been a long standing and welcome addition to the L&G moniker since the early ’90s. Indeed, not many among us (lesbians) can claim total immunity to the charm of a heterosexual woman. Not many of us (older ones) saw any point in turning our back on the capitulation of the married woman who had infiltrated our night thoughts as well as our day dreams. And a great many of us are currently in long term relationships with women who used to be married, in the traditional sense of the word. One easy leap of logic suggests that none of these unions would have happened if not for the bi-curious tendency of these women.
Curiosity might not necessarily kill the cat, but it has been known to leave the ‘mouse’ down for the count. Many a beautiful and gentle dyke heart has been broken by the here-now-gone-tomorrow straight woman who was unable to commit either to the somewhat marginalized lifestyle, to sexual intimacy without a nature-made penis and, pre-dating the validation of Pink Parenting, to a life most likely without children.
Bi-curious exploration seems to have become the in-thing since the new millennium - from teen chick magazines to Cosmo and Woman’s Day. Going with the flow and locking lips with a best girl friend - or at least daring to think about it – is now legitimized in many quarters, as long as it remains in the realm of exploration.
However, this sort of curiosity is not easily assuaged by lesbian romance pulp fiction, as that usually exacerbates the curiosity; nor is it assuaged by peeping through a keyhole.
Bi folks do not want to play ‘bi’ themselves. Bi-curiosity requires the involvement of another’s mouth, another’s arousal and another’s mind. And the lesbian *dens of iniquity* - that used to be fiercely protected from outsiders’ prying eyes by leather-clad, muscle-bound sister-bouncers - now welcome, with open doors, just about any woman.
The lesbian community – umbrella term amalgamating numerous subgroups traditionally sexually curious in their own way - have had centuries of enormous fun playing underground. What is different is that our community is at a point of confluence where desire, permission and accessibility open a path to the total empowerment of our queer selves, and do so under the harsh glare of daylight.
From the flexuals to radical bois, to boy-girls, to lipstick lesbians in their high heels – not to be confused with ‘femmes’ - and the option of a pit stop at the local dyke-only dungeon for a BDSM scene, like one might detour by the gym on the way home, our slip sliding on the sexuality continuum is reaching dizzying toboggan speed. So much so that, for many disenfranchised butch dykes and stone butches mimicked by young ‘uns most likely unaware of the displacement, the leap from the sexual to the gendered - via chest reconstruction and injections of T - is the last frontier. Within the context of free for all questing, be it for identity or pleasure, how tame the passionate kiss with the bi-curious woman!
If it is true that sexuality and gender are not frozen in binary oppositions of either/or [gay or straight/male or female], but have always existed as mere stations along a rich and gloriously multicoloured continuum, then the bi-curious woman is at one end of this spectrum - at the shallow end of the pool, at the ‘dipping of the big toe’ moment. OK, so what else is new? We’ve all had to start somewhere with a timid exploration. Did I say, timid? Delete. I’m sure I meant torrid.
Some escort agencies now specialize in Bi procurement for the benefit of questing straights and closet bisexuals. An unexpected spin off for us is that the availability of this service might conceivably allow some of us (avowed dykes) to go beyond fantasizing about having sex with a male, and pass to the act - not as a renouncement of our sexuality, heaven forbid, but as yet another curiosity to satisfy. The notion of actually indulging in a sexy night of bi-curious sex with a healthy specimen of manhood – in a controlled environment - has never been so easy and attractive, for those who might want it. No fuss, no mess. No one need ever know. All over and done with in a couple of hours or less. Since the catalogue-order stud who’s popped in for a paid performance wishes neither to supercede the turkey baster nor to be sued for paternity, the encounter is risk-free. Escort-sex presumably means safe sex.
This may well be ‘bi’ the ‘bi’ for some but, although sub-cultures have always existed, the current visible burst of sexual expression by lesbians and straight women, alike, means that Lesbian Identity, such as it may be, is under threat like never before.
Politically, lesbians belong to a minority which, because of its recognisable characteristics and culture, has successfully fit the category of Ethnic. It is because the sisters before us were oppressed, and far too many of us still are, in one way or another, however blatantly, however subtly, that lesbian activists have won us legal protection against discrimation, and various other entitlements.
However, allowing exploitation of our hard-earned Pink dollar, feeling compelled to emulate the femininity of the generic, metro sexual Sex in the City women and buzzing The L Word beyond reason, a flagrant ‘bi’ product of the selling out to mainstream trend, is risky business - fools’ gold.
The increased interest in all that is lesbian, including sex, though appearing to legitimize our choice of lifestyle and philosophy, is certainly not curbing homophobia in our suburbs. Quite the contrary. And it could be argued that eagerness to blur, and eagerness to open our play pens to the bi-curious woman who’s only in for the thrill, could conceivably be yet another step towards the dilution of our community as a whole.
One possible explanation for the coinage of Gaydar, and its fashionable overuse by gays and media alike, is that without gaydar-enhanced vision, one would have great difficulty spotting the dyke within the handbagged and shortskirted woman and the woman under the boy-rapper gear.
Indeed, we have become so diversified over the past few years that the visual and cultural characteristics that contributed to our strength as a community, to our identity - years before the advent of the Venus symbol earrings, the rainbow flag, and the ‘Phoenix rising’ trick of the now ubiquitous dildo – have become blurred. Our boundaries are porous.
‘Exploring the dyke’ or exploring the ‘dyke within’ can be mutually gratifying, harmless fun – boundaries are challenged and personal growth is achieved in many ways. However, once culture and ideology are allowed to blur, fade, fray and blend, ‘diversity’ could become merely another word for amalgamation [into mainstream].
Out with all things distinctly lesbian, and long live all that is queer - queer as in off-centre, off centre from the medium dyke line and, before you know, QBTGL could be the new moniker. And why not?
Ghetto mentality is not good.
Fearing or ostracizing straight women who begin a sexual journey with us, a journey to explore their gender, is not good.
Bi-phobia is a phobia by any other name.
Diversity is good.
Queeriosity is healthy.
Queeriosity and diversity that lead to growth and vigour are even better, not just for the greater good of one, but for the greater good of all.
Guest editorial by C.C. Saint-Clair – lesbian romance novelist, author of 7 LGBT novels, best known for the gritty social realism of her plots and her unique blend of sensual writing. www.ccsaint-clair.com/
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